Foiled by the Cheese Package,
or, Why won't it open?

In some sort of fit, I drank a bottle of squirt and ate an entire box of gobstoppers during rehearsal tonight, and now I'm having an insane sugar high. It's hard to type, my fingers are so shaky. Sometimes when I'm nervous, if there's food nearby I just keep eating and eating until I realize that I probably should have stopped five minutes ago (FYI, This is why I weighed 40 more pounds in high school than I do right now).

Some crazed monster within me decided to make tonight an impromptu preview night and invite some other students to drop in on rehearsal - we ended up with an audience of about 10 people, but it was enough to make the actors make a few mistakes they wouldn't normally. Whatever - tonight was mostly about getting them used to the idea that there would soon be many more people watching them (in three more rehearsals, in fact), and that they better get their ass in gear. Luckily a couple of people said they felt "pretty prepared" to open, which is encouraging to me. You never know what the show will be like until opening night despite how much you prepare, so at this point I'm prepared to cross my fingers, hold my breath, and hope for the best.

Frequently I worry that I am not really a good director, and that my actors are just playing along with me in order to get onstage. Yes, I set up the system to allow there to BE shows, but are the shows really any good? I always feel like I'm deluding myself when I start to want to do something for the rest of my life.

Not that being a bad director would really stop me, mind you. It's just that if the shows are masturbatory nonsense, I'd like to know so I can really own it.


Ah, well. que sera, sera, as they say.