Doing Laundry

For the past two days, it seems like all I've done is laundry. After procrastinating for two weeks, my roommate and I finally took the dirty clothes piles down to the laundry room and sat for a good 2 hours as we washed and dried them. Then we went back up to the room, which was excruciatingly messy. Today I took it upon myself to clean up, and found yet another pile of dirty clothes hidden in the closet. So here I am again, sitting listening to zippers clanking on the walls of the dryer. For those of you not familiar with the complex procedure involved in laundering clothes, I've provided a detailed outline.

Load the washer for 5 minutes. Put in soap; another 30 seconds. Turn the washer on, taking 10 seconds or less depending on the amount of sleep you had the night before and the size of the buttons on the washer. After turning the washer on, reach into your bag for 30 seconds walkman and a selection of CDs. Try to turn on your walkman for an additional 30 seconds. Realizing that your walkman will not turn on should take 10 seconds or less depending on how bright or dim the lights are and how small the display on your walkman is. Sighing in disgust should take you just under 5 seconds. Reach into your bag for 5 seconds to get your phone, unless it's buried beneath other things, in which case you should add a couple of extra seconds as leeway. Use your phone to play a few games of Snake. After about 10 minutes you should be bored as hell, especially if you suck at Snake. Then go through the numbers saved in your phone and add the area code to all numbers lacking one. This should take about 5 minutes, if you don't have a lot of friends. At this point, space out for 5 minutes. After you snap back to reality, think about your boyfriend for 3 minutes. Spend the remaining time twirling the phone on the table in front of you while contemplating starting a band. Sooner or later you will realize how quiet the room has gotten and you'll get up to check your washer. At this point just over 30 minutes should have elapsed (33, if you plan on being exact), and the wash cycle will have finished. During the next few minutes, the dryer should be filled, the lint tray checked, and quaters pumped into the dryer. This should take about 5 minutes, especially if you drop some quarters on the floor. Stare blankly at the dryer for 2 minutes. If you wish, feel vaguely guilty about eating so much of your boyfriend's teryaki beef jerky.

If these steps seem complicated to you, rest assured - the drying cycle procedure is much simpler. Begin by laying your head down on the table. Take a nap for 15 minutes. People knocking on the window behind you may distract you, but persist. After waking, check to make sure no one has stolen your laundry while you were sleeping (even though you won't really be suspicious) for less than 5 seconds. Spend the remaining half-hour writing an inane journal entry. Proofreading will take an additional 5 minutes, and wondering what your friends will say about the entry should take another 5 minutes, as long as you get nostalgic and think about "the good old days" back home. Re-reading the instructions on the back of the washer multiple times should take about 5 and a half minutes. By this time, you will have clean-smelling clothes again, approximately 1 hour, 40 minutes, and 35 seconds after you began.

Stay tuned for next week's entry - folding.